Secret Wedding Weekend
Two weeks ago Christina secretly flew into town for two days so that we could have an intense wedding planning weekend. The reason for such secrecy was because we knew that if word got out we would never be able to keep people from stopping by to say hello or calling to try and make plans. Thus I had almost two entire days with my greatly missed best friend to help me make decisions on decorations and bridesmaids dresses.
Christina flew in late Friday evening with the Bohlender family after helping them in Colorado for a few days. My parents were in town that weekend so Mom and I went together to pick her up. I walked in the B’s familiar kitchen door, threw my arms around Christina, and wept. I haven’t been away from my sister for more than a week in 4 years so the last two months have been heart breaking. Especially dealing with the death of my grandfather while she was about 1100 miles away.
The next morning we headed to The Roasterie with Sarah Clark (a bridesmaid), Jessica Orr (friend), and Theresa (friend) to try our hand at wedding planning. Sarah was kind enough to take some pictures for me so that I could post them here.
Alas, dress searching turned out to be a big fat waste of time. That was when we discovered that the ones we wanted were back ordered. At least, for the first time, we were looking online in the same state and could compare notes in person instead of over Skype. Our few attempts in real stores proved discouraging, deflating, and confusing. At the time of this blog, we are finally past the picking stage and into the ordering stage and I cannot describe my joy at moving on. However…in terms of blog writing…we’re not there yet.
The day was BETTER spent talking over fabric streamer options and working on a hotel list to suggest to guests coming from out of town. Oh. and laughing. I think this picture was not too long after Christina’s second massively failed attempt to rip circles out of a napkin to use as an illustration.
There have been many, many times I’ve congratulated myself on deciding to take my brother’s advice and go for the 17 inch computer screen for my laptop. This was definitely one of those times. It’s a long piece of machinery, that’s for sure, but the pro’s outweigh the computer so it’s a win. Trying to fit four and sometimes five people around the screen would have been impossible with Christina’s tiny screen.
As things turned out, Hobby Lobby was having a 50% off sale on all of their fake flowers, greenery, feathers, etc. I was able to grab a bunch of things that interested me for half the price and have them on hand while we talked colors. Christina met with Chad (Joshua’s roommate who is heading up our decorating) the next day and went over specific decorating ideas that they both had, including and negating some of the things I had purchased. After coming to a few semi final decisions, I was able to load up on all of the things we needed from Hobby Lobby and have been storing them in my room ever since. I am REALLY excited for the decorations. I think they are going to do an awesome job!
All in all, it was a great weekend. We accomplished so much and having Christina here really helped ease some of the anxiety I’d been feeling at having to plan a wedding by myself. It was so good to see her and have a nice chunk of time off work to just wrap my wedding thoughts in nice concise little boxes instead of having them jotted down all over the place.
After that weekend we had definite ideas for decorating, specific branches and flowers and feathers and colors narrowed down, a framework for bouquets and lots of dresses scratched OFF the list. Theeee end.
33 Days and Counting
It is now after 1 am so I can easily pull another link off of our wedding count-down chain. But I won’t because I think Joshua secretly likes to do it.
Everyone keeps telling us how much we will probably sleep during the honeymoon since it’s so chaotic and stressful leading up to the big day. Thus far I’m pretty sure I will do nothing but sleep. Joshua will probably have great stories of sightseeing in Spain and I will have great stories of not staying up till 3 am every night addressing invitations or perusing the internet for the perfect inexpensive, modest, and attractive bridesmaid dress. At least it’s time alone, and that has been precious little lately.
Have I mentioned how grateful I am that the dress ordeal is more or less behind me? I’m amazed at how many dozens of hours Christina and I spent searching through dresses on cyberspace trying to figure something out. I am so glad we had the option of the internet so that we barely had to go into stores….but seriously, I had my dress picked and ordered within twopointfive hours of looking.
The moral of this story is….in 33 days I will not be sitting here at 1 am filling out RSVP information. And I can’t WAIT!!
^_^
And So We Begin
Joshua and I decided to start a blog so that our family would be able to see what we are accomplishing (and not accomplishing) on our journey to matrimony. I just finished writing our first entry and had the wonderful idea to copy it here. I mean…If I’m writing I may as well put it in my blog as well since it’s not about family only details. So….here goes…
“…..It’s definitely been difficult to go through this process without either of our families here to help or advise or suggest, haha. We have made it to 41 days (and counting) till the wedding. I am more aware than ever of some of our differences. I go to bed with lists running through my head of who I need to call the next day and what items on our registry I still have to check reviews on. Joshua goes to bed…and sleeps. I go through the day praying for grace and peace and joy but having bouts where I am overwhelmed by texts pouring in with questions, questions, and more questions even as Joshua just shrugs and says it will all be fine.
In truth; it will be fine. No matter what happens with the photographer or the honeymoon or if the bridesmaid’s dresses match the groomsmen’s ties; everything will be fine. This season of life will be over and a new chapter will begin. When all is said and done we will be married and I can’t think of anything that will make me happier than having my best friend, my confidant, encourager, teacher, and lover joined with me under God and before man. Even now, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness at the gift we have been given to teach one another how to love God as we wrestle with how to love each other. There are days where I feel that I am not up to the task of sharpening this incredible man. There are days when the reality of living life with him by my side seems the most wonderful and natural thing in the world. We know we will face hard times. Maybe harder than any of us have ever known before. But our prayer is that our marriage will be a reflection of the passionately beautiful union between Christ and the Church.
That is what we want from our wedding ceremony also. We want to celebrate in the knowledge that the Lord loves us enough to bring the two of us together now and that our wedding is another stepping stone in preparing us to be joined with him in the future. Our hope and goal is that everything will point to the God-man and His Bride. And if that happens, regardless of who is officiating or what gifts we get, we will be more than successful. So really everything IS going to be fine. Calm down heart, nobody remembers who DJ’ed anyway. ^_^ “
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I love that beauty is important to God. It is arriding to me that creation did not only produce for the sake of functionality. In fact, one of my favorite things about disbelieving that the world exists via evolution is the backpacking thought that my Papa also created with the specific purpose of transmitting beauty. I am coming to realize that there are so many more things that He finds lovely than I do. Several months ago Christina said something to me that has incessantly struck my heart. ”I want to see beauty the way Jesus does and change my definition from being merely that which is attractive to my eyes to that which is attractive to his heart.” I paraphrased some. ^_^
I have come to the quite shocking conclusion that He does indeed find women exquisite, even when my tainted and judgmental vision fails to do so. His delight is not only in our hearts that seek to know Him, but in the physical design of our frame. (Please, please understand that I am in no way minimizing His love for a heart that seeks Him). How much healing would be ours if we could lay our desperate feet on this foundation of love. Oh to be fully confident in it so as to reflect it into the hearts of others! I want to know the beauty of women deep in the place where my values are stored. What a gift we have been given, to be crafted with a purpose of bringing pleasure in the very way we are put together.
It is in my heart to write a three part blog about this issue. What it means in general. What it means for men. What it means for women. Unfortunately, I feel grossly inadequate for such a venture and that may be a terrible way to start. I began to do so several months ago and very quickly lost my zeal. Actually, if I were being honest I think I purposefully threw it in a drawer with all my old receipts and dried out sharpies. In the last few days, however, a spark of something that used to be a driving force of my life has reappeared. I’m trying not to make too much of it because that’s happened a few times in the last several months and I keep getting left suddenly sitting on my tush with nothing around me but shadowy ghosts of a life I once lived. BUT…I figure I’ll write while I’m riding this phantom passion because there’s not a lot that holds you more accountable than something you’ve written for everyone to see.
Now that strikes more than a little bit against the door where my insecurities dwell. If you know me well, you are aware that I am my most advanced enemy. My mind is constantly whirring and evaluating and capturing and as much as that can be a gift, it can also be a deadly quagmire for one who quickly sizes up all the areas they need work. The thought of digging into the reality of beauty means that I will probably not be able to hide behind my usual entourage of antagonists. I’m not good at that struggle. They sit beside me closer than most friends because I lack the desire or strength to wrestle them away. By writing the things I know to be true I am allowing those closest to me to remind me of them when I fail. In effect, I’m about to brew my own poison. Sometimes healing doesn’t feel good.
With that, I end this post. More to come soon.
Winter is Past
So much has happened in my heart since I went to Fredericksburg a few months ago that I have had a difficult time even attempting to write about it. My trip was the sharpest turn I think I’ve ever had regarding seasons of my life. I don’t believe I can look back and see as clear of a transition at any other point in my 26 years. And BLESS GOD that it came!!
The previous ten or eleven months have darn well been the dirtiest I’ve had to wade through. I’ve never been so aware of the depths of my depravity. It’s not that I threw “it” all out the window and sped down the road of sin, but the wicked, tainted emotions my heart produced still shock me. I almost moved home at least five times. I felt like God was indeed moving and pouring himself out on His body, world-wide, but simply didn’t see fit to move in me. I was tired of having to fight and decided that if He didn’t want to give it to me, I didn’t want it. Unfortunately there is still quite a bit of mud that’s weighing me down from this last trek. But the fact that I’m moving is such a miracle in and of itself. I didn’t think I was ever going to break through and see the wondrous beauty of light again!
Thanks to all of you who listened to the Spirit and told me that Spring was coming. All of you who held on and promised that new life was going to be mine. Spring is indeed coming! And thank Jesus that there is always more to come. Even on the days that I take my eyes off of my wonderful savior and set them upon myself and my needs and my wants and get sucked back into the aching black void of depression and loneliness I hear the whisper of the Spirit reminding me of how far I’ve come. He is so, so merciful! He is so gracious and kind! Who but a loving God allows suffering to be the origin of hope? I have HOPE again! Real hope. O, He is so good.
I think back to the nights where I sat in the darkness of my room with my teeth clenched, weeping with all of my strength into my pillow as rage, pure and violent rage, exsiccated the joy from my heart. I would sit in my car at times and just open my mouth as screams seemed to be ripped from my throat against my will. When everything inside of me was spent I would grit my teeth and force “I believe you are good. I believe you ARE good. I believe you are GOOD.” from between my lips, desperate to feel something other than cheated, jaded, and passed over. My very name is “pure joy” and I cannot help but cry at the joy that was stolen from me during this last year. But I know that God is good! He is so good! I feel that the level of revelation I have now makes my previous knowledge seem non-existent. He is good, beloved, and I have not even touched the reality of this truth.
When I cannot understand, He is still good. When I feel alone, He is still good. When I want things to be different, He is so good. Romans 5, Romans 8, and Philippians 4 have been my anchors in the past three months. Reminding me to set my heart and mind on Him. To submit my body, emotions, thoughts and very will unto His leadership. To believe in the reconciliation of the cross. I am my Beloved’s and He is mine! Whether I feel it or not.
And when I have set backs I remember the words of Kathryn Kuhlman, “Jesus, I have nothing left. But if you can take nothing, I give it to you.” The most wonderful thing in the world is when He takes your nothing and produces something. God is good. All the time He is good. He takes my mourning and turns it into dancing. He takes my sadness and turns it into joy.
Fredericksburg – March 2010
I have been asked to go with an IHOP-U Ministry team to Fredericksburg, VA from March 4th – 14th.
The trip will be focusing mainly on Governmental Intercession and strengthening the Prayer Furnace in Fredericksburg. We will be helping in the evening sessions and running the Nightwatch. We also plan on visiting JHOP-DC, going to EGS/Awakening service, and doing prayer walks in the DC area.
As many of you know, my brother and sister-in-law (Jeremy and Jen) moved to Fredericksburg last month to work with the Prayer Furnace. I have a special longing in my heart to help with this trip and connect with them in their new lives. After serving on the Nightwatch at IHOP for a year and a half I love the thought of standing in the night again and have great passion for interceding during the hours when natural darkness helps to cover evil.
The cost are not totally finalized at this point. We will be driving. The current plan is to depart March 4th and arrive back at the IHOP Missions Base early on the morning of the 14th. I am estimating needing about $350 to fully cover the expenses.
If you would like to partner with me for this trip, please click the donate button at the top.
Any and all donations are welcome, no matter how small. Please pray for the team going. Specific prayer needs will be posted on my blog as it gets closer to the departure date.
Blessings!
In My Father’s Eyes
It’s been about two and a half months since the Awakening started. The theme, of course, has centered primarily around self-hatred. The testimonies that I’ve heard over and over choose, at different moments, to spark familiarity within me. I’ve wrestled with rejection, a low self-esteem, and self-hatred since I was REALLY young. Christina was such a cute little Pixie. She had my mother’s hair, my mother’s build, and these GIGANTIC beautiful eyes that just snatched your attention. I was different. I don’t know how old I was when I became aware of it, but I was enormously aware.
I remember burning with jealousy even in grade school. Almost every time I was asked to draw a picture of my family for an assignment I drew my Mom and I in the same color. We had huge eyelashes and bows in our long curly hair. I’d draw Christina with straight, short hair. No bow. Different colored clothing. Once I even drew her eyes closed like she’d blinked during a picture. I longed to look like my mom.
If you’ve seen Christina, you’ve seen my mother’s body at the same age. She didn’t weigh over 100 pounds until AFTER having four children. She was smaller than me for a good portion of my high school years. I didn’t look like her. I had straight, fine hair, glasses, and chubby cheeks. I was on steroids for several years because of my glaucoma and it’s possible that it was the cause of my weight issues. I’m not actually sure. Whatever the reason, in family pictures you’d see five sticks and…me. I never felt like I belonged. I never felt wanted. I always felt like the odd one out.
My freshman year of high school I started to tamper with anorexia. I had no idea that my family was unusually slender. To me, their body types were normal. I was bigger. Bigger was bad. I hid it for a long time and told myself that since I never made myself throw up I was still in control. After about a year I started eating normally again, but the damage to my mind constantly haunted me. My mother used to tell me that I looked in the mirror and saw something different than reality.
And, oh how I despised what I saw when I looked! I HATED going shopping for clothes. Nothing looked like it did on Christina and since that was my measuring stick, I never made the cut. Each trip eventually ended with a deep sense of despair cramming itself into every available place of my heart.
Something happened my senior year and I began to physically act out my eating disorder again. This time I threw myself past the lines I’d drawn before. I’d binge and then make myself throw up. It got to the point that I didn’t even have to make myself because the very feeling of food in my belly made me sick. The thought of it sitting there caused my mind to panic. I could feel the heaviness. Sometimes, within minutes of finishing a meal, I’d have to run to the bathroom to make it in time. I eventually got control, but had read somewhere that the mental side of eating disorders never left a person. I felt like it would always be something I dealt with, even if I wasn’t physically acting on it.
I was sexually abused multiple times by one of my best friends who worked side by side with me in ministry.
I’ve had two men fall out of love with me in a single day. Both had pursued me for over a year and completely won my heart. No joke; a single day. Straight from “I want to marry you” to “I just don’t love you anymore, I’m sorry”. Both caused tremendous amounts of damage to my heart afterwards by the things they did and said.
Why am I writing all of this?
Because I am going to be free and I want all of the details to be known. I want to believe that the consequences of these things do not have to be carried with me for the rest of my days.
You see, I’ve been asking and asking for freedom. I’ve been asking for joy. My heart has been so dark for so long. This past year has done quite a number on it. I go through bouts of completely shutting down and cutting everyone out. My eyes get dull, my thoughts slow down, words have to be forced from between my lips. Usually this comes after a really intense jump in emotions where my thoughts are running a thousand directions at once and I am frantic to get out of this place, away from the people, alone to hide. I’m tired of it.
A few weeks ago Jeremy began to pray and prophesy over me at one of the Awakening meetings. We were actually praying for him and it suddenly switched to me. He began to cry and said, multiple times, “You were always wanted. You were never rejected. He always wanted you. WE always wanted you. You were never rejected.” He told me that he believes that when my heart truly begins to understand these things, the physical ailments I’ve had will disappear. This past year I’ve had SEVERE stomach issues, heart palpitations, and ovarian cysts. I would so love to be rid of them.
The Awakening has been such a battle for me. Continuing to open my heart again and again even when I feel nothing night after night. I’ve had to “sign up” so many times. Telling the Lord I’ll press in no matter how long it takes. Allowing myself to be vulnerable before Him and feeling the old sting of rejection as everyone around me is twitching with the Spirit or laughing so hard they can’t stand. I’ve wept. Oh how I’ve wept. I’ve prayed. I’ve sat. I’ve listened. I’ve danced. I’ve shut down. I’ve come back. I’ve starting again. Rinse and repeat? It’s been done.
And I am refusing to give up. To quote Tracey Sliker, however loosely, “If my testimony is that I came and asked 900 times, and He broke in on the 901st time, I’ll take it.” I believe that God is moving. I believe the Spirit is coming and He’s bringing healing to so many souls. I believe Jesus is making things right in bodies and that people are truly getting healed. I will not believe that I am being left out.
Allen and Wes talked again the other night about how He has called us “Hepsiba” and “Beulah”. Dare I believe that He actually delights in me? That when He looks, all my flaws melt away? This is terrifying to me. Really and truly terrifying. I am so afraid of being let down again and made to see that I have been right all along. But my heart is longing to fully surrender to the truth that when He looks at me, his heart is delighted. I want to see what His eyes see. And Beulah…I was created to marry the King! No, really! He formed me exactly how He wanted to, knowing He would gaze at me for all eternity. Oh my goodness. He knew He would be looking at me forever.
I am yearning for my Groom to make this known in my heart. I want to FEEL again! Not just the empty, black, void of hatred and anger and rejection and pain, but JOY and LIFE and love, gladness, and trust.
May He who began a good work in me be faithful to complete it.
I Hate Thursday
Jeremy left today.
It’s late and I’ve cried a lot and don’t have much to say. Christina wrote a fantastic blog about Jeremy that I read after thinking my emotions had been spent. I found a little more tucked away just waiting for me. If you feel like releasing some tears, please read it here. No seriously. It’s really good. I WOULD like to point out that I did not, in fact, hate her. My mother testified to this. The truth is that in the early years, Jeremy and Christina got along well and Nate and I got along well. She’s just real dramatic. End of story.
The rest of this much anticipated and hated day was spent well, I think. Zoe got into a bottle of purple food coloring one of the boys left out. Most of my clothing escaped unsinged. My socks are purple. My hands are a funny pink.
Christina and I went to Freaks on 39th and FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY ended up there when they were open, staffed with a piercer, and empty of other customers. She has the much-awaited second hole in her nostril. I left feeling gross. Not at the piercing, but at the things my soul was picking up that have been previously left hidden. I shall type about it some other time, perhaps.
The plan for the evening was initially supposed to include date night and/or stopping by Annie’s game night. I ended up reading a book, cleaning my room, watching the web stream, and talking for a little while with the boyfriend who unexpectedly left for Houston this morning. I still haven’t completely sold myself to the idea that I’m going this weekend. All the plans have been set up for me, but my heart is not engaged for some reason. We shall see.
And that, dear friends, is all she feels like writing tonight.
Sunshine is Delicious
It’s cold today. Everyone kept mentioning how warm it was….compared to the last few weeks. I didn’t manage to catch any of the warmth. I left for the Bohlender’s before it arrived and apparently it decided to head back before I was done. I hate the cold. I love the snow. Being completely aware that they must coexist, I’m still content to say it. If you do not know that the majority of my opinions, thoughts, and emotions about most things are entirely circumstantial (excluding my relationship with the Lord), please allow me to clue you in.
The majority of my opinions, thoughts, and emotions about most things are entirely circumstantial.
Up until about five years ago I hated wearing a coat in the winter. T-shirts and flip flops were my winter attire. Well….t-shirts and flip flops were my every season attire. This used to drive my mother mad. She grew up in Southern California so every time the weatherman even thought about snow she’d end up with frost bite. Starting in early November she’d pile on three pairs of long underwear (I’m actually not exaggerating) under her “winter pants”; regular jeans that she bought a size too big so she could fit in them after all the extra padding. She’d wear a couple pairs of socks, a turtle neck and a sweater just for hanging out inside. If we were leaving the house she made us all don mittens, ski gloves, ski masks, scarves, boots AND hats. If we were going somewhere in public she’d stick to your basic gigantic coat. If not…snow suits were the way to go.
You know the phrase “If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy”? Well, during the winter, if Mama aint warm….everyone else was roasting. Whenever she had the slightest chill she assumed we must be freezing. This was alright in the house. We had a wonderful wood burning stove that I’d love to own now. But if we were in the car I could count on a fully nauseating ride. You see, unfortunately, when I get too warm I get sick to my stomach. I spent most winter drives with my forehead against the window, trying to ward off an upset tummy.
Is it any wonder that I relished walking in the snow without a jacket? I actually loved the feeling and would rarely put one on, if I could get away with it. I actually didn’t feel cold. Then I moved to Tucson and have been ruined ever since. Though I only lived there through one winter I have never regained my ability to retain heat. Maybe it was due to the fact that I moved back in November and didn’t have a chance to get used to the coming chill. I have my doubts since that was three years ago. Whatever the reason, I now harbor a strong disliking for glacial weather.
Somehow I still love snow. Joshua, Mom, Dad, and I went sledding a few weeks ago and I had so much fun! Granted, I was wearing snow pants and a lot of my laughter came from watching Joshua wipe out on a giant ramp. Yes, it was cold. Yes, I ended up with snow down my back. Yes, landing on your backside when it’s only 13 degrees hurts. I still loved it. I’m hoping I get to make a snowman one of these days before it all melts. It’s been quite a few years since I’ve had the time to even think about doing so.
And yes…I have been stuck in the Bohlender’s driveway three times as of today. It took 6 people, a rope, a tow strap, and three shovels to get me out. I won’t tell you who or what in that list was actually necessary and who or what was just along for the adventure. The point is: I still love snow. I’m sorry Kyle. I know it makes driving difficult. I know people die. I know you get stuck getting people UNstuck. And as much as I hate the thought of getting REALLY stranded and having to hike somewhere in a blizzard, I still think that snow, itself, is magical. I just wish it came warmer.
Mmmmm. Warmer….as much as the snow makes me smile, I can’t WAIT for the sun to come back! I love, love, LOVE the sun! I love layering tank tops under really light sweaters and feeling the warmth of it’s rays on my skin. I love driving when it’s warm (NOT HOT) and rolling the windows down with music blasting. I love laying outside on the summer grass and watching stars.
Swinging on a hammock.
Going for walks.
Breathing in the spring air.
Fishing!
Oh sun…hurry back! I miss you!
This is for you, Kyle. ”A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.” ~Carl Reiner
